Since its debut,
True TV has brought you...

the finest in documentary
and inf ormational programming.

You've counted on us,
and we've taken you there.

From the edge of the world
to the edge of your seat,

from the streets of L.A.
to the Serengeti Plain,

from inner peace to outer space,

your funniest moments
and most tragic times.

You've laughed, you've cried,
you've almost died.

But now we'll take you
where you've never been bef ore.

No script, no actors, no editing.

All day, all night, all true.

Every second is true on True TV...

this spring.

So, any questions?

Yes?

I think we get that it's true,
but what is it?

Cynthia, why don't you come up here?
This is your moment.

Folks, this is Cynthia Topping.
She's the program director at True TV.

She's the one that's gonna be strapped
to a Scud missile if this doesn't work.

Thank you, Mr. Whitaker.
I've always wanted to travel.

- Yes?
- Isn't this show similar to
a show P.B.S. had in the '70s?

- The Loud Family?
- No, no, this is completely diff erent.

We are gonna...
We're gonna pick one person,

one, one normal person,

not like you f olks.

And we're gonna put that person's lif e
on television all day long, live.

It's not P.B.S.,
it's not Real World.

We're not gonna film it
and then edit it later.

Is that how I sound?
I don't sound like that, do I?

- More or less.
- On a good day.

You never said anything?

- I don't mean to be negative here.
- Ooh!

Hey!

I know this was your idea, but doesn't
this have a great chance of being...

A big, smelly bomb?
Oh, you betcha! Yeah.

And wouldn't that be,
you know, a bad thing?

Keith, we're getting our butts kicked
by the Gardening Channel.

People would rather watch soil.

We are this close to having
chalk outlines around our careers.

I love that we're doing this,
and I love that it's risky.

All anyone every does
in this business is f ollow the pack.

Hell, if people tune into this twice
a day f or five minutes, we're a hit.

You know what finally
convinced me that this could work?

Half a dozen wine coolers?

When I realized that
the person we pick,

the guy that's on TV
all day long, doesn't have to be good.

- If he's good, great,
but if he's bad, even better.
- Bad is better?

People can't turn away from an accident.
You drive by and say,

"Ooh, I hope there's not
a head in the road. That would be..."

But then you look.
You don't wanna miss it.

So we put a guy on TV,
and we sit and wait and see...

if that head starts rollin'
down the highway.

Now that's fun
f or the whole f amily.

- So, what's our next step?
- We find ourselves
a big, f at rolling head.

Are you seeing this?
Are you looking around you?

God, you know what this is?

This is a horror show.

- What are you going off
about now, John Boy?
- This doesn't bug you?

All our friends and
everybody getting married,

and are having kids
and their careers.

- Their kids are having careers.
It's a mess.
- Why would that bug me?

Look at us, right?
We are doin' fine.

Oh. Okay.
You have a beer around your neck.

- Okay?
- That's my point!

- Your brother's here.
- Hey, go long, man.

I'm gonna go say hi to Kim.

Yeah. Listen, that was great
tonight. I loved it. Oh, man!

- Insane, Ray.
- What's goin' on?

I'm tellin' ya, it's weird.

We meet, we go out and bing-bang-boom,
she's got me meetin' her parents.

What do you mean,
bing-bang-boom, buddy?

You've been goin' out with her
f or six months.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I suddenly f eel like
the walls are closing in on me.

You know? The f ather is sittin' there
askin' me about my career prospects.

- What was I saying?
- Can you believe that?

Oh, at dinner,

the dog is sniffing my balls.

At least I hope it was the dog,

because her mother
disappeared f or a while.

- What's goin' on over there?
- They're doin' audition tapes
f or that True TV thing.

People are sendin' 'em in
from all over the place.

- Oh, yeah? That's cool!
- What's cool?

- To be that guy,
that guy they watch all day.
- Get outta here.

Mark my words.
That guy is gonna be f amous.

He'll be able to get
whatever he wants, whoever he wants.

Hey, trust me.
This is my business.

- What is?
- Show business.

- You in show business now?
- Yeah, I service video equipment.

That's like saying
those people stitchin' Nikes
in Panama are in the N.B.A.

Hello?

- Bed-wetter.
- Thumb-sucker.

- You know what?
I'm gonna go make a tape.
- You know what?

I'm excited.

I know that I can do this.

It's my turn.
I'm next, I'm next.

- Buzz, can I get one more?
- You got it.

Hello there.

So Ray met the f amily, huh?

Oh, yeah.

I heard the dog really liked him.

Yeah. The whole f amily loved him.

But of course, my whole f amily really
loved the last guy I went out with,

and he strung me along
f or a year and then dumped me.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

And, you know, every guy
I ever broke up with,

the minute it's over,
I could tell you what went wrong.

How it went wrong.
Why it had to go wrong.

But when I'm in it,

lost.

I'm like a love coroner!

Bring me the corpse,
I'll tell you what killed it.

But how to prevent it? Lost.

Hi! I'm Ray Pekurny!

I'm from here in San Francisco,
the greatest city in the world.

- Are you with me?
- Yeah!

Go, Niners!

How are things goin'?

Okay, I want to introduce you
to my girlfriend.

She's really cute, she's really cool,

and she's... really strong.

She's a U.P.S. person.
She lifts packages. Not beefy.

She told me this joke. What do you get
when you cross U.P.S. with Fed Ex?

Fed up! It's her joke.

Oh, my brother, my brother.
Ed, yeah, come on.

- Say somethin', Ed.
- Asshole!

- Come on, man. Say somethin'.
- All right.

I don't know about this whole 24-hour
TV thing y'all got goin',

- but if you are gonna go f orward
with it, this is your man.
- Smart guy.

The Ray-man here.
This guy's got stories.

- This guy has lived.
- I've got stories. I've lived!

- Tell 'em about that dog grooming
business you started.
- No, not that story.

- You gotta tell 'em about that.
- No, I don't really wanna...

I'm telling. Here we go.

- This guy?
- Yeah, take a look at this kid.

He was gonna start up a mobile
dog groomin' business.

- He's cute. Yes!
- Really?

- He doesn't wanna be
like everybody else.
- No.

He doesn't start it in a van or a pickup
truck or something like that.

- The Ray-man, he starts it in a Camry!
- Camry!

- Camry! Two door.
- Camry.

So he gets a tub,
and he puts it in the trunk.

He throws the dogs in the tub, slams
the trunk and starts drivin' around.

Speeds up, stops real quick,
turns left, turns right
to get the dogs all sudded up.

Pretty smart, right? Now, guess
how he dries 'em off. Guess.

With the exhaust!

What do you say? We bring him in,
can't hurt. Just talk to him?

Well, I'm from east Texas. Yep.

And when I was like 13,

my mom got remarried to my stepf ather
who was a traveling salesman.

He got transf erred up here to
San Francisco, so we all came along.

- Here we are, here I am.
- Mm-hmm. Terrific.

- Did you go to college or...
- I had a year of junior college.

Home of the Bear Cats.

Oh, scary. What did you study?

Studyin'? Geez, that'd have been
a big help. Where were you then?

That's cute.

- Straight ahead.
- What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And as you see, I can get rid
of the Texas accent whenever I want.

Or I can just slide...

real deep on into it like this.

How do you decide?

To tell you the truth,
I find this accent here...

don't do me no harm
with the ladies.

Know what I mean, darlin'?

Yeah.

No, never been married.

Um,

I've been burned
a couple times, though.

My f ather?

Um, well, let's see. When I was 12,
my mom got a hysterectomy.

He ran off with her nurse,
and I haven't seen him since.

That's my dad, Hank Pekurny.

Next question?

Like one time I was playin'
pee-wee f ootball back in Texas, right?

And I dislocated my finger.

My mom comes rollin' out of
the bleachers now...

and busts through this little
group of kids, grabs my finger.

Whack!
Pops it back into place.

Runs up, slaps the coach upside the head
and says, "Let's get the game on!"

That's Mom.

Well, I still can't really
bend this finger, though.

Well.

Oh.

Uh, a dream?
Oh, yeah, man, I got a dream.

l, uh, just don't know
what it is yet, you know?

Did you test him?
Did you do any research?

Research?

We don't even have money in
our budget f or coff ee filters.

We're using a yarmulke.

But this is who you want?

I'm going based on something you once
said at a broadcaster's dinner.

I love it. I love it!

You see what she does?

See what she does?
She attaches me to her choice.

Thereby fueling my massive ego...

and f orcing me to like it.

You're great!
How come you never doodle my name?

- l-I do.
- I'm joking.

I'm joking.

Once again.

This is the guy
you want to go with?

Yes.

What happens when you go to
the bathroom? Do they go in with ya?

No, Al!
I mean, the bathroom's out of bounds.

Dinner's gettin' cold!

My lif e is not so great
that I want it shown on television.

And neither is yours, Ed.

- That's the whole point.
This could change all that.
- How?

- Huh. Ha. I'm glad you asked.
I want to open a gym.
- A gymnasium?

No. A gymnasium is an old, white guy
shootin' free throws like this.

I'm talkin' a modern-day
fitness center.

What does this have
to do with Ed?

If Ed is on TV f or a month,
he gets a balloon payment.

That's big money.

I'd borrow against that right now
at the bank, I'd buy the gym,

I make Ed a silent partner,

and I cut all you in f or a slice
because you signed the releases.

- This is gonna cost us.
- It's not gonna... Hey, look.

Open your eyes instead of your mouth
f or once. This is a no-brainer.

The whole time I'm gonna
be promoting the gym on TV.

It's free advertising.

I mean...
Does anyone else see this?

How 'bout sex?

Sorry, Al, but
I'm gonna have to pass.

And it's not an age thing,
'cause you are still a handsome man.

No! Do they show you having sex?

No, Al.
Look, kissin' and huggin'.

- Nudity?
- Ed, you're not gonna be nude.

- Why would I be nude, Ma?
- What kind of a show is this?
It's a filthy show!

-lt is not a filthy show.
-Have you even read the whole contract?

- Do you even know what's in it?
- Miss Cautious all of a sudden.

She meets a guy in a bar,
she's married an hour later.

- We didn't get married, we
just thought we were married.
- Marcia, calm down, honey.

He's pickin' on me, and he's
bringin' up all kinds of issues.

- Married is married is married.
- Maybe this isn't a good idea.

What isn't?

The whole thing. Maybe I'll just
get out now bef ore it gets complicated.

- No harm, no f oul.
- Great. They had to pick you.
They couldn't pick me.

If he doesn't want to do it...

If he doesn't want to do it? He's 31
years old, he's a video store clerk!

What is his grand master plan here?

What, is he gonna spend
the rest of his lif e...

rearranging Ernest movies?

Everyone who works there
is 12 years old.

They go through college, they graduate,
and then they stop working there.

Except f or him! He stays to welcome
the next batch of 12-year-olds.

It's a job f or retards!

Ray, stop that!

- Was I being insultin'?
- Uh-huh.

- Tch!
- Yeah, kinda.

- As usual.
- A f ella can't...

All right, look, look. Hey.

- You don't have to be scared.
- I'm not scared.

- Don't be scared. You're scared, man.
- I'm not scared.

- I am not scared, Ray.
- I know you got that
doe-in-the-headlights look.

You're mixing your proteins
and starches, and you can't...

I'll tell you what. You don't
have to worry about anything.
You know why? Huh?

- No, why?
- Because big brother's riding shotgun.

I've got your back.

Did anything ever happen to you when you
were a kid? Anyone ever bother you?

- Just you.
- Just... Just me.

You bring those cameras over
to big brother, and I promise you...

I will make something happen
f or both of us, f or all of us!

You know, how many chances
do guys like you and I get?

- I don't know.
- Yeah, that's right, you don't know.

Guys, when am I gonna get my on-air
f eed? All I'm gettin' are color bars.

Mike, loosen up a little bit.
Stand by to lose laser. Yeah, good.

T.O.C., we're ready to f eed.

Carlos, show me where
you're gonna be when we go live.

There you go, right there. Go back up
a little bit. Okay, right there.

Guys, we're gonna go in ten, nine...

- Hold on, I'm coming.
- Has it started?

- Good morning.
- Sorry.

Four, three, two,

and ready one, take one.

Shh.

There he is!

Not the best angle.

This is exciting.

Oh, my God,
is that what I think it is?

- I think so.
- A little morning chubby.

Damn.

Oh, no.

Oh, honey.

- Don't do that.
- Pull it out, pull it out.

Well, that's embarrassing.

Morning.

- Microphone.
- Mm. Microphone.

Turn on the TV.

Morning.

I'm Ed.

There's that smile!

- Ow, ow, ow! Hot!
- Whoa, an action sequence.

I kind of pieced this stereo
together, a homemade job.

This is my wall of chrome.

I've been collecting those
since, like, 1973.

Oh, wow.

- What'd I miss?
- He's checking out his own ass.

You gotta see this.
Oh, my...

Oh, my God!

Ohh!

Yeah

Hey!

All right

Come on, man, hop in.

Let's go!

I need a little time
to believe what's true

I don't know what's going on

Some days I'm stayin'

Some days I'm like a rollin' stone

The mast is down.

Let's go, Sam, let's go!

I can't take it

I'm thinkin' back so many f aces

- My heart, my love...
- Hey, Ed! Ed, up here!

Guys, film me. Yeah, hi!
Ed, up here!

Yeah!

Hey! Hey!

Act like everything is normal.

Go, go!

What's up, Ed?

- Guys.
- Welcome to work, Ed.

It's good to be at work... Lou.

I've got just what you need, boys.

The best tape in the whole damn store.
Smokey and the Bandit. Huh?

- Who's in that?
- Who?

Burton Leon Reynolds, Jr.,
is in that, boys.

- Who?
- Burton Leon Reynolds, Jr.

Get out.

You can't have this tape.
G-Go home!

Get your raggedy little
Steven Segal-lovin' asses outta here.

"Who is this?"
It's Burt Reynolds!

Burt. Burt rules.

Alice, why are we watching this?

No reason,
I just wanna see what happens.

Let me spare you the suspense. Nothing's
gonna happen. Trust me on this.

Which one of these albums
would you recommend?

I gotta go with that. Yeah.

That's a good choice.
That's their first album.

- I think he's cute.
- Can't go wrong with the first album.

It's like bef ore they learned how to.

No, no, no.

You look at your husband, okay?
I'm gonna make you say
my name tonight, woman.

Most people like to hurry
through a toenail clippin' session.

Just clip and git.

Not me.

I like to take my time.

I'm meticulous, you know?

I like to do it.

Yeah.

If this guy collects
his toe cheese, I'm outta here.

Some guys start here, then down
to the little toe. That ain't me.

I save the big one...

f or last.

'Cause it's bigger. You gotta do
some work, you gotta be an artiste.

Look at that.

Oh!

No. No, I haven't seen
the spot ratings.

You know how you're watching the big
game and you gotta do your business?

Right?
The worst time to do it.

Yeah. That's a number that, hopefully,
we can obvi... we'll build from.

I don't have to anymore.
Check that out. I designed this.

No, I disagree. I don't think
it's time to pull the plug.

Yes, Mr. Whitaker,
I know they shoot horses.

What do you see?
What is that?

That is the TV.
And where am I?

I am on the can.
At the same time I am on the can,

but yet I am still a f an.

You know, it's been one day.

Can you give me a week with this guy,
and then you fly up my nose? Hello?

Somebody smart said,
"Practicality wins out."

So, in this bathroom
I'm a... winner.

Yeah.

Five.

Six. Seven.

Eight. Nine!

Come on, Ray, she's not that heavy.

Yeah, yeah!

You shifted your weight.

I'm not hurt, I'm not hurt.
I'm okay.

Ray's Gym!
Now accepting applications!

- We want your body! Ray's!
- Look what he did f or me. Huh? Huh?

All right! Oh, God!

Hey, John Boy!

What do you like about it?
I don't understand.

I don't know. It's just that...
Well... Just let me watch.

You're gonna love this.
This is a great story.

I got a great story. You remember
Marcia? Of course, she's our sister.

She's goin' out with this new guy.

- They're livin' together.
- You want to save this till later?

No, no, now's the perf ect time.

He's a singer in a piano bar.
Sings, plays the piano.
And that's how they met.

- He sang to her and they f ell in love.
- Not even, Buzz.

No. Get this. Some drunk hit him
in the head with a snifter.

One of those things
you keep on the bar f or tips?

You don't know, Buzz,
'cause you never get tips.

He hit him over the head 'cause he's
terrible, he's wretched, he's awful.

He's dreadful, he sucks,
I'm tellin' ya, right?

That's what happened. She's pullin'
a chunk of glass out of his skull,

and he bleeds on her,
and that's all she needs!

Bing! It's amore, right?

The question I'm askin' is:

What's she doin' in a bar?
She's an alcoholic f or Christ's sakes!

No, Ray, buddy, not here.

I gotta pee, I gotta pee.

Hey, what, are you hidin'
from the police or somethin'?

Come on, show yourself.
Look, is she beautiful?

She's beautiful, right?
That's my girl.

While I'm gone, Edward, tell
'em about that time we lied to Mom...

and then went to Tijuana
to find the donkey show.

I got her, I got her.

- You are, though.
- What?

Beautiful.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome. Yeah, bud?

I'm taking a poll on whether or not
I should shave my head.

I've had about 19 beers,
so take that into account.

- Barry, did you see that?
- What?

- The girl. The look.
- Yeah.

She likes the Ed guy better
than she likes the brother.

I don't think I like it.
I don't think it's nice.

It's a good set of hair
you got on your head now.

I've had about enough of this.
Give me the remote.

Just a f ew more minutes.
Read your book.

I wanna tell you a story

I wanna tell you about my town

I wanna tell you a story about people

Not this morning. Uh-uh.

Let's change topics. Does anybody
have an opinion, a viewpoint...

on something going on now
called Ed TV?

Oh! This is a new low point
in American culture.

You're being kind.
You're being way too kind.

Brushin' my teeth.

They never bothered
to pick a guy with any talent.

Or even anything to say.

They seem to celebrate
the f act that the guy's a boob.

Sort of a joyous celebration
of boobery. That's what it is.

Take it easy.

- Hey, Ed, your show stinks.
- What a loser!

Hey, Ed, you want my autograph?

Okeydokey.

Ten dollars?

You're telling me now
you want $10 to walk my dog?

Listen, we had a deal,
you little eight-year-old bastard.

I'll tell you what.
Keep the dog.

Who is it?

- Who is it?
- It's me, Ed, buddy.

Ed? Just kiddin'. How you doin'?

Good. You ready to watch the game?

Actually, no. I'm a little bit sleepy.
I'm tired, exhausted...

What are you talkin' about being
sleepy? Five minutes to tip-off.

It's time f or Rocket ball!

Ray, where do you keep
the glasses?

Oh, Shari's here.
Why didn't you just say so, huh?

- Hi, Shari.
- Who's Shari?

Who's that?

Okay. Oh, God, oh, God.

- Want me to get that?
- No, I got it. Ed, don't go, l...

Whoa, whoa! Look at that!
Get in on that!

Oh, man!

You're being misled by
a manipulating medium called television.

- Let's get out.
- No, she's a homeless girl.
Ed, don't leave.

She was out on the street, so l...

She didn't have any clothes
or a place to stay, and l...
Honey? Oh, shit! Ed?

What do you mean homeless?
My place is better than this dump.

Dump?

- What?
- That was Shari on the phone.
She saw the whole thing on TV.

- I gotta tell ya, she's pissed.
- No shit, Ray. Who's the girl?

The... Come here a second.

She's the receptionist at the place
where I buy that gym equipment.

And she's a real knockout and a redhead
to boot, which I've never had.

And she's never given me
the time of day.

Suddenly, today she's all, "Hey,
I saw you on TV, and you were great."

And I'm all, "You know, I just made some
gingerroot gazpacho, come on over."

The next thing you know,
ba-da-bing!

- I mean, I'm human.
- What do you mean? Why didn't you stop?

Stop?

- Why didn't you stop?
- I'm the guy. I don't stop!

That's the woman's job.
We're the gas, they're the brakes.

- Go talk to Shari.
Honey, let him come talk to you.
- Why? Why me?

- Because you brought the cameras here.
- You brought the girl.

Is that the way it is? You can't do me
that one little, simple f avor? Great.

Okay, I don't need
any f avors from you!

Matter of f act,
P.S., go to hell!

Friggin' out of his gourd.

Ed, man, come on, you know
I really need this. I need this!

If I go over there,
you know they're coming with me.

If I go over, she's gonna put
my balls in a blender.
You know you would, honey.

All I'm askin' is just go talk to her
and beg her. Beg her if you have...

Actually, honey, just let him
come beg you. And you owe me.

- I owe you?
- You know you owe me.

- I owe you. I owe you?
- You owe me.

Yes, go!

I can't go on about this.
"I owe you, you owe me."

Look, I have a guest. I'm bein' rude,
all right? I'll talk to you.

Thanks, honey. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, Phil,
are you watchin' this?

- Friggin' out of his gourd.
- You might wanna take a look.

- Jack, let's go. We're gonna be late.
- Shush.

- Don't shush me. Oh, shush.
- Shush! Shush!

Hi!

Hi, I'm Rita.
I'm Shari's roommate.

Hey, Rita, I'm Ed.

- Shari knew you were
coming over because she saw.
- The cameras, yeah.

She really doesn't want you
and the cameras up here now.

Right. Ah, well, at least...
How is she doin'?

l...

I gave her a drink.
I thought...

But she's not much of a drinker,
so it's made her a little...

- What do you want?
- belligerent.

Hey, Shari.

Listen, I'm real sorry about all this.

Can I come up?

Come on, Shari.

I know it's real awkward with the
cameras, but let me come say two words.

Shari, come on, would ya?

I'm gettin' really wet down here.
Can I come up?

All right, here we go, Carlos.

Just stay with him.
Stay with him.

Hang on, Mike.

- Ken, am I set?
- You're hard-wired, Mike.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Thanks f or lettin' me up.
- Sure.

Hey, Shari.

- I'm gonna go to bed. Good night.
- Did I miss anything?

Good night.

Hi, Mom.

Ray f eels...

Don't def end
that horse's ass to me!

I'm not. I'm not
def ending him, Shari.

I'm just sayin',
maybe this is a good thing.

He got it out of his system, right?

He knows it's not worth it.

- So one day if you two
decide to get married...
- Ha!

I've got news f or you.

I never intended to marry him.

Why?

Well, f or one thing...

he's a bad lay.

I mean bad!

Oh!

You tell him!

Ah, you know that's terrible.

Oh, shit.

Hey, Shari...

You happy now, Ray?

Listen, I think you're pissed-off
at him, and you're hurt.

And you're trying
to get back at Ray.

Don't you think?

Yep, you're right. It's me.

It's me! It's always me!

l... I go out with
all diff erent kinds of guys,

and the same thing
keeps happening!

Look. You know what?
See these magazines?

I take these quizzes.
"How Are You At Relationships?"

I cheat, okay?
I look in the back f or the answers.

Rita says men suck
and they should all die.

Then she eats a pound cake.
She's crazy, but she's not confused.

Me, I examine every little thing.

I'm just like this.

- Shari.
- What?

You're way too terrific of a person
to be doin' this to yourself. You are.

I mean, hey, I've told Ray
a couple of times...

I think you are one
of the best and smartest...

and most attractive women
that I have ever met.

I mean that.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

Really.

There is nothin' wrong with you.

Uh-oh.

Kiss him. Kiss him!

Don't do it, Ed.

Don't you kiss her.
Don't you kiss her.

God!

I'm nuts, huh?
Hah! I told him.

Yes! Yes, I win!

Oh, Whitaker, you schmuck,
I am the golden goddess of television!

Oh, my God.

Yes, yes, you're on television.
You're on television!

Oh, my God.

Oh, God!

Oh, wow.

Listen, Shari?
It's okay.

I just kissed my boyfriend's brother
on television! How is that okay?

When you put it that way,
no, it's not ideal.

- Please go. Go!
- Let's talk.

All right. We're outta here, guys.
Come on, she's right.

Son of a bitch.
What the hell just happened?

Hey, hey!

- Ed, you can't do this to me!
- We're locked out!

No, Carlos, you're killing me!
Just shoot the door.
I got Mike up on the roof.

I'm comin'.

What are we doing?

- I've got to tell you something.
- What?

- I've had a big thing f or you
f or months.
- Really?

Yeah. I've been seeing you going out
with Ray and you bein' his girlfriend,

and the whole time I was wishing
you were my girlfriend.

See, me, too!

I am going out with Ray,
and all I can think about is you.

I treated you like a princess!

- This is so weird.
- Yeah, it is weird.

Oh, I gotta go.

¿ Uno mas?

Ray? Oh, hey, Al.
You seen Ray?

- Is he around?
- I'm on television!

Ray was here, but he left when
he saw you were comin' over.

- Shit.
- That was some night last night, huh?

Yeah, it damn sure was, Al.

All right, how about Mom?
Is she around?

She's here in the bedroom.
I'd yell f or her, but I'd die.

Don't do that. Mom!

I'm here, darlin'. No need to shout.
That's not how you were brought up.

Mom, what are you doin'.

Hello, everybody.
Welcome to my home.

- Blanche DuBois lives.
- Mom, Mom.

I'm looking f or Ray. I've been calling
him. He won't call me back.

How could you do something like that?
Your own brother's girlfriend.

It's not all my f ault.
He cheated on her.

- It was a mistake.
- Yes, it was a mistake.
Do you know where he is?

No. Maybe he's watching.

Tell him you're sorry. Tell him you
will stay away from that girl.

No, Ma! And that girl
has a name, okay?

What, do you love her
or something?

- Come on, Al.
- Look at that red f ace.

I had a car that color.
A Buick!

Aren't you excited?

- He practically said
he loved you on television!
- I know.

Hi, girls. Hi.

Take my picture.
Here, take my picture.

I gotta go to work.
You understand that?

I am really gonna
get hurt this time.

Here we go, girls.
I'm goin' to work. Bye.

Yeah, Doc,
I stopped payment on the plugs.

You gave me doll hair!

I'll hold.

-Okay, now I'll tell you something else.
-Yeah.

- The old guy in the wheelchair,
the stepf ather?
- Yeah.

They're gonna have him die.

That was Whitaker on the phone.

I'm gonna have to scrub my ass
because he's on his way over to kiss it.

Ed, bring it on in, buddy.

That's right, come on.

A little further. Come on.
All right, perf ect, man.

- I got my own parking spot now?
- It's all f or you, Ed.

- How's it going, man?
- Good, Mark, how are you?

- Thanks, man.
- Ed, you're the best, man.

-Hi, Mom.
-Saw you last night. Lookin' good, man.

Hi, Ed.

Ray! Man, I've been
lookin' all over f or you.

Listen, I know I got
some explaining to do.

Just let me do
what I came here to do.

What, do you want to fight?

Cassie. Cassie, come on.

- This is really hard.
- You promised.

- What are you doing, Ray?
- Go ahead.

I went out with Ray
a f ew years ago...

f or a couple of months,

and we were intimate.

And... he's really not as bad
as that girl said he was.

- I mean, I've definitely had worse.
- That's enough.

I think we did what we came here f or.

- Good-bye, brother.
- No, no, come on, Ray!

Vindicated!

Ray, what are you...

I'm in the bathroom. Go ahead.

Sorry we're calling so late.

- It's this is the only time we
get to talk to you off camera.
- It's cool, Cynthia, I was up.

Ed, why didn't you go
see Shari today, man?

- That's what everybody
was hoping you'd do.
- I wanted to, but...

Is it about Ray? Because Ray is
not a problem. He cheated on Shari.

That's right, Ed. Viewers don't like
Ray. The research says f emales...

No, hey, guys,
it's not Ray. Okay?

- Cynthia?
- Yes, Ed?

You got a second?
Can I talk to you alone f or a second?

Absolutely, yeah. Why don't you guys
take off? I'll see you in the morning.

- Okay, see you later.
- All right, I'll see you later.

Good-bye. All right.
See you later.

Ed, how's it goin'?

I'm good, you know? I'm, I'm good.
Everything's... Everything's cool.

Did you decide you don't
really like Shari that much?

No! N-N-N-No!
Listen, that's not it at all.

I like Shari plenty.
Shari is... Oh, man.

- Shari's great.
- Yeah?

Look, Cynthia,
how's this gonna work?

What, are we gonna date on TV?
She's not gonna like that.

- If you don't call her, you're
not really giving her a choice.
- Okay.

- Ed?
- What?

- Can I give you some advice
about women?
- Sure.

Women want to be pursued.

Yes, but...

- Ed?
- Huh?

What would Burt do?

This is so exciting.
A real celebrity delivering my figs.

Yeah. Okay, if you would
just sign right here, please.

Ray's a pig. That Ed is a doll.
Latch onto him, honey.

Okay. Just sign right there
in the black area, please.

It wouldn't kill you to use more makeup
on television. You look washed out.

- What would I actually have to do
do get you to sign this?
- Uh-huh.

On television a minute,
and already you got an attitude.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

Hi.

- What are you doing?
- I missed you.

Really?

l...

Wow. I've never seen you
in unif orm bef ore.

Yeah, well...

It's really quite a turnoff.

Thank you.

Listen, Sunday night
at the Sharks game,

I'm gonna be driving the Zamboni.

- The what?
- That big machine that cleans
the ice, you know?

It's quite an honor.
Will you go with me?

Say, look, I know
this is weird, Shari,

but I don't want to wait.

I don't.

I really think we might
have something here.

Don't you?

- Oh, these are f or you.
- Thank you.

So will you be my Zamboni date?

Huh?

- Yes.
- All right.

- Cynthia, this is great.
This is incredible!
- It's perf ect.

Yeah, well.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Pekurny!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Where's my girl? Where's my girl?
There she is!

Shari!

Let's go, Ed!
Let's go, Ed!

There are girls

Just ripe f or some kissin'

And I mean

To kiss me a f ew

Man, those chicks don't know
what they're missing

- Ow! Don't kick me in the shin.
- Don't make fun of him!

Living to do

Sizzlin' steaks all ready

For tastin'

And those Cadillacs
all shiny and new

Oh, my God, Ed, look!

Got a lot of living to do

Hey, it's Ed!

Good evening, Ken.
How's it goin'?

How's it goin'? The girl I'm seeing
is dancing with that guy right there.

Good night.

Oh, my God, it's Ed!

- Eddie!
- You're the man, Ed!

My man Ed! Ed!

Look at this.
How cool is this?

He's a Beatle. Well, he's not
a Beatle, but he's a Spice Girl,

or a Beanie Baby.

He's Menudo!

Hey, Shari, lucky lady!
I want to be on TV with you.

Look over there at that monitor.

- Stop it!
- Who do you think you are?
Just take a picture.

Shari!

Move, move, get out of the goddamn way!
Come here! Come here!

Shari!

Hold on, I got you. Back off!

I got you. Back, back!

You okay, baby?

Okay, we're gonna take a break now.
Just take five.

Are you okay?

Oh, wow. You went down.

I lost an earring.

You think you can go out
and get it?

- Yeah, I'll get it.
- No, I'm just kidding.

-You're kiddin'?
-Just kidding. Would you really do that?

Yeah, I'd do that.
I mean, if you wanted... your earring.

I didn't wanna make a scene

But you were there

I saw you slip away

You were everything good to me

I saw you slip away

You were everything good to me

Oh, wow, that's
the new camera truck, huh?

Look at my enormous head.

Anyway, Cynthia,
last night, that was scary.

Don't worry about that.
That won't happen again.
We're getting you security.

- Good.
- I have some news f or you.

- What's that?
- We're picking up Ed TV
f or another month.

Say that again.

We're picking you up
f or another month.

That means a balloon payment
and a big raise next month.

Are you tellin' me
that the balloon payment,

- I'm gonna get that?
- Yeah.

Oh!

Here we go.

Thank you! Oh, man,
this is incredible.

This is amazing!

Yes! Another month
and a balloon payment!

Ray, if you're watching...

- Who the hell'd be watching this.
- Did you hear this?

I got the payment, buddy. This money's
f or you! To pay back that loan!

It's f or you, brother! Come on.

What do we do when we're happy?
Chicken dance, baby.

Come on, I know you're doin' it
wherever you are.

If I was doin' it,
I wouldn't do it like that.

I'm on f or another month

Faster

Fingers start shakin'

Everybody back up, please.

Please, clear a path to the car.

Get off, man.

Four weeks ago, no one in America
had ever heard of Ed Pekurny.

Today this 31-year-old
video store clerk...

has become something of an American
icon, a national obsession.

Honestly?

I try not to go to the bathroom
until Ed goes to the bathroom...

so I don't miss anything.

- The idea just came to me.
- Sure, it came to you
because I brought it to you.

I'm not a... I'm not a guy who works
by committee. I'm a one-man show.

What do you guys
think about Shari?

She's needy!
I don't like her.

She's too tall.
It's, like, abnormal.

Yeah. She creeps me out.
She's always, "Get away!"

I mean,
who does she think she is?

I know!
And she's so bony!

Like to me, this Shari's
like nothing, right?

She's not even hot.
I mean, Ed's a celebrity.

If that was me,
I'd be dating the goods.

There's like something wrong with her.
She's definitely not hot.

Not hot, not hot. No way.

She is a heat-free being.

Hello? Hi, here you go.

Oh, hi, yeah. I've been
waiting f or this. Thank you.

- Y'all watching Ed TV, right?
- Sign right here, please.

What's up with Shari? Ed's girlfriend,
Shari? What is up with that bitch?

Ed, honey, look,

when you get tired
of that skanky ho,

come see me, baby.

Check out the moves!

Watch this one.

Oh, she's down.

Get outta here.

Shari!

Whoo!

Hi.

Come pile on!
Set down the groceries.

Come here!

Where're you goin', baby?

No, we're not gonna
do it today, Shari.

- I'm gonna go get ready.
- Baby! Hey, is everything all right?

My truck broke down,
and I got stuck in the rain.

I called the company,
and no one came to get me.

- Rita!
- Just a second.

- Don't they give you a hat?
- Some dorky kid stole it as a souvenir.

That sucks.

I'm kinda glad that he did,
'cause, goddamn, you look sexy.

Ed, I don't wanna be
on television anymore.

Shari, how's that gonna work?

I have been trying, okay?

But maybe we should just
hold off on seeing each other...

until you are done
with all of this.

You're outta there, baby!
All right? Yeah!

I knew it was gonna happen!
I told you!

- That's a little extreme, isn't it?
- I can't take it anymore.

- I have no privacy.
- Oh, boo-hoo.

Even now I'm crying, and I can't stop,
and they won't leave.

And now it's gonna be
another month!

- Everybody hates me.
- Nobody hates you. Why are you...

- Who hates you?
- A poll, Ed!

U.S.A. Today:
"Is Shari Good Enough For Ed?"

Seventy-one percent
of the people said no.

Who cares about what they say?
I don't care.

No, I do care. You know what?
Shame on everybody!

She's cryin' over here,
and it's all your f ault.

- Twenty-nine.
- Twenty-nine percent.

You're smart!
Isn't she smart?

God, she's sexy with
the wet hair and everything.

And she's funny.

She's really funny, too.
She really is!

Oh! Shari, do that, that Love Coroner
skit you did at the pool hall.

It's so fucking great. It's great.
Okay. Okay, baby? Set?

Back up, get a wide shot
of this, okay.

All right, baby, remember...
Whoo-whoo-whoo.

That's the punch line, all right?
You got a whole runway.

Are you set to pop?
Ones and twos and... Look right here.

What... are you doing?

Do the thing.
Do the skit, you know.

You want me to entertain
your audience?

What is this, Ed?
An audition to be your girlfriend...

because I'm not good enough f or you?

No! Shari, that's not it!
Come on, Shari!

-Psycho chick.
-Damaged goods, bro. Do not accept, man.

Man, this is stupid.
"Is Shari Good Enough For Ed?"

Who the hell am l, huh?
Who do you think I should be dating?

There's a list!

Really?

Ed?

Goddamn.

The whole Shari thing,
is that over?

You gonna be showing up on the History
Channel? What's happening?

- Well, no, we're on hold.
- On hold?

Is she a phone call?
Is she listening to Yanni music?

You're gonna get back to her?
Who puts a woman on hold?

We're gonna wait till this is over,
and then we're gonna pick it back up.

I guess this is the f amous Carlos...

who f ollows you everywhere?

Aiyee!

What I want to ask you,
what is this chicken dance?

Y'all know the chicken dance?

Okay, so let's do it!

Have I got it?
Is this how you do it?

- No, you gotta get your f oot out.
- This is a lot of fun.

Ed Pekurny! We'll be
right back after this.

Hey, can I have another hat
f or my dad?

- I've got your car ready right here.
- Cool.

- Can you get us sodas f or
the ride to the airport?
- Yeah. Coke or Pepsi?

- Uh, Pepsi.
- Can I talk to you f or a second, man?

- Yeah. What's up?
- My name is Shane.

- How you doin'? What's this, man?
- This is a tape of my band.

I thought maybe
you could play it on your show.

- Oh, man, come on.
- One of the guys is blind.

All right, I'll give it a listen.

The name of the band is
"Not All Of Us Can See."

- Terrific name.
- "Not All Of Us Can See."

"Not All Of You Can See."
What the hell is that?

For the love of sweet...

- Jesus Christ!
- Really.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Um, I wanted to say
I really love your show.

- I think you're great.
- Wow. Thank you.

That's a really cool thing
to say. I'm Ed.

And you must be... John?

l... I'm trying to remember.

- Oh, yes.
- I'm Jill. I'm from San Francisco too.

Right. The Bay Area.
I can tell by the accent.

Ta, ta, ta, ta.
Ya, ya, ya.

- Ya, ya, ya.
- Uh, I'm just joshin'.

So, wh... what are you
doing here?

I just flew down
to audition f or a skit.

All right.

I'm a model and
sort of an actress, so, um...

Um, oh... So really,
it was nice meeting you.

Oh, yeah.
No, you too. Um...

They were supposed to send a car
to take me to the airport, but, um...

I'll tell you what. We gotta...

We're going to the airport right now.
Got a limo outside.

Why don't you ride with us?

Oh. Yeah. That'd be great.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

All right.

But that's lif e

What the people say

Excuse me.
Comin' through.

- We're ridin' high in April
- Take all you want. It's free.

Shot down in May

Tawny.

Huh. Hey, Carlos.

These go in the nude picture pile.

What do we got here?

Oh, this is cute.

This goes in
the psychopath file.

Oh.

Hope it's not this guy.

Be right there!

Hello. Hey, Moe,
what's goin' on?

Ed, this guy says he knows you.

- Hey. How you doin'?
- Hey.

You don't recognize me?

Dad?

Yeah. Yeah.

- Did you do this? Did you
find him and tell him...
- No, no way.

Come on... Come on in.

Yeah, okay.

Goddamn!

- Everybody, this is Hank, my dad.
- This just keeps getting better.

What you're sayin', Ma, is that
everything he told me yesterday...

- was a lie.
- Yes... practically.

What do you mean,
"practically"?

Either you threw him out
or he ran away. Which one is it?

I need to replace the coil.

He ran away after I threw him out.

- How much is one of those new coils?
- A hundred fifty bucks.

- He was telling the truth.
- Should I go ahead?

- Yes.
- Yes to me, or yes to the coil?

- Both.
- Oh, shit.

- Look, he had girlfriends.
- He told me he had this one girl.

I really do not need to relive this on
national television. I am your mother.

- Yes, you are my mother.
- Do not humiliate me like this!

- I'm not trying to humiliate you.
- I don't need this! Go away!

Eddie?

Make this out to Dr. Rumpley.
Maybe the son of a bitch won't
keep me waiting f or an hour.

Damn neurologists think
they run the world.

She does this every time.

- All right, do you want
to know the truth?
- Yeah.

I took you, Ray and Marcia to my
sister's on the train f or the weekend.

You all came down with chicken pox,
so I took you home a day early.

And I walked in,
and there was your f ather...

with another women
in our bed, okay.

Chicken pox.
I was six when I had chicken pox,

- and Dad didn't leave until I was 12.
- Well, he apologized.

- What do you mean, he apologized?
- He begged me.

He got down on his knees
and he begged me.

But, Mom, you told me
that you had a hysterectomy,

and that he ran off
with your nurse.

She could've been a nurse.

- What do you mean,
could've been a nurse?
- She had white shoes.

So does Grandma!
So does Shaquille O'Neal!

- That's good.
- What's the diff erence?

The diff erence is that f or 20 years
I've been thinking one thing,

- and now it's turned out
to be a whole diff erent thing!
- Eddie.

He was no good to me.
Don't you remember the way it was?

Don't you remember the way
he used to scream at me?

And then no job was ever
good enough f or him.

"Small potatoes."
You remember, Al?

Al?

Mom,

you told me you didn't know Al
until after Dad left.

Holy shit.

You and Al were...

And that's why you threw Dad out.
There it is!

Finally the truth
after 20 goddamn years, Mom?

He had another woman
in my bed, Eddie!

And how dare you call him "dad"
in front of Al. Al is your f ather.

This is the one who was there f or you
when you really needed someone.

Ow! You're hurting me.

Oh, Jeanette.

Oh, Mom.

Don't blame your mother.
I was irresistible.

Well, come on in.

How are you doin'?

- All right.
- All right. Well...

- You?
- Yeah, yeah. I'm, I'm fine.

I guess you came up here
to check on your inheritance.

Did ya?

Come right over here.
You sit right down there.

There you go.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

This is, uh,
quite a shithole, ain't it?

Well, it could be...
if you fixed it up.

- Jeanette, you better
take a look at this.
- Okay.

- Oh, boy.
- You know, it is really nice of you...

to come up here.

A million times I wanted
to see you kids, but, uh, well...

I mean, your mom,
she told me to stay away.

And I had to respect
her wishes.

- Can I ask you somethin'?
- Anything.

What happened, Pop?
I mean, how'd you end up...

- like this?
- You know, lif e is funny. That's all.

I can't tell you
how many times if...

just one little thing
that I needed would've happened,

why, everything would've changed,
I'll tell you that.

But I don't make excuses.

And I don't hold grudges.

You and me, we had some good times
together, didn't we? Huh?

Remember the time we drove
down to Houston f or the weekend,

and we saw the Astros
and the Dodgers play?

We stayed in a motel.
It was just you and me.

You hopped from bed to bed.

I remember that
just like it was yesterday.

I remember everything you said
and everything you did.

- That was Ray, Pop.
- Hmm?

You took Ray to Houston.

It wasn't me. I had to stay home...
with Mom and Marcia.

That's right. Ray.

Ray was the older one.

Still is.

Yeah.

Well,

isn't that something?

Damn the mind!

I gotta go, Pop.

- I got a thing across town
I gotta get to.
- Sure, son, sure.

You know what?

Listen up.
This is my pop. All right?

If there's anybody out there
that can help him out...

- Get him a job or something...
- I drove a limo f or a while.

I'll help you out.
I'll mention your business on the air...

I don't have a valid license.

We'll figure something out,
all right?

- All right.
- Ed.

Yeah.

I am truly sorry.

That's good, Pop.
Sorry's good.

As soon as we're perpendicular to
the Earth, I'll start the engines again.

What about the disk?

Oh, God. Boy, oh, boy.

Hi.

Hey.

- They're not here.
- How's that?

I snuck out.

You wanna take a drive?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Now Pop's hustling me f or a job.

It's like my entire f amily, Shari.
It's like they're from
their own little galaxy.

Every f amily's crazy.

- Yeah, but my...
- No, I mean,

if it was my f amily on TV,

oh, my God, I'd have
to kill myself!

How about us?
We're doing all right, aren't we?

I saw that girl come on to you
at The Tonight Show.

- Wh... What girl?
- That model.

Oh, wait a minute.
Shari, that was nothin'.

I was leaving, she needed
a ride to the airport,

so I off ered her a ride.

Wait a minute. Hey, hey.

I want you... Shari.

I don't want anybody else.

Really?

Yeah.

It's you I want.

If you call

I will answer

If you call

If you court

This disaster

Dude! Breasts!

Huh? Where?

Ed, help!

Come on, guys.
Don't, don't, don't.

Come on!

She left?

Yeah. She asked f or a transf er
to another city, and she left.

I mean, someone put her breasts
on the Internet.

- Oh, Christ!
- She couldn't take it anymore.

We have people living in our hallway,
going through our trash, reporters.

So, she...
Not even good-bye. Nothin'.

Boy, you know,

when it starts to go wrong,
there's nothing you can do to stop it.

Because I don't think
I could've tried any harder.

I don't.

Do you?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Huh?
You see? You see?

See that?

- Oh, honey, hi.
- What are you doin'?

- I know this might seem unusual.
- How'd you get in my apartment?

I had to be stealthy
about the whole thing.

- What is she holding?
- Ed's underwear.

- Get out of my house.
- I can explain everything.

Just get!
That's my underwear!

I love you, and I want
to marry you, Ed.

Watch his f ace. See?
Now, that's television. Huh?

All right.

Now, where do we go from here?
Didn't we order lunch an hour ago?

- Yes, Chinese.
- Good, good.

What do we have Ed do next?
Springboards, ideas.

- Notions! Cynthia?
- We could help him find Shari.

No, no, no. Enough of her.
I hate her, audiences hate her.

Let's bury her and move on.
Tell him I'll call him back.

Excuse me. Do you know, the audience is
requesting a lot of that girl Jill...

that he met on The Tonight Show;
she really scored.

Let's get her, let's make this happen.
What are we cocking around here f or?

Cynthia, do something.
Get on the phone.

Is lunch literally coming from China?
I don't understand it.

Remember when you were interviewin' me
and asked me if I had a dream?

And I said, "Sure, I've got a dream.
I just don't know what it is yet."

Yeah. Yeah, great line.
Try to work that into the show.

Wh... What if Shari's the dream?

Come on, Ed. You're beating yourself up
f or nothing. You knew her history.

When the going gets tough,
Shari gets going...

as f ar away as possible.

She's one of those "I'll dump you
bef ore you dump me" chicks.

Yeah. But what if we could get U.P.S.
to tell us where they sent her?

Then I could go visit her, and we could
even move the show there f or a while.

If you want this thing
to work with her,

the best thing you can do right now
is to give her some space.

Maybe even, uh, see other people.

Whoa! What do you mean?
Like right away? No.

- No, no, l...
- Ed, you're a star.

But celebrities like you...

or Tom Cruise or whoever,
you have a responsibility.

I don't think your f ans are gonna be too
thrilled sitting around watching you...

have a major case
of the "mopeys."

They've got 200 channels
to choose from.

Ed, it's not like
you're giving up Shari.

My sister was going
with a guy.

They hit a little rough spot,
started seeing other people,
they got back together.

Last month they had their third child,
f or what it's worth.

Twenty-two!
Thirty-two!

Two, stay with the quarterback.
One, you got the iso on Ed.

He breaks to the inside. Oh, gosh!
I think he's got a step on him!

Shecky, have you lost the f eed?

- Ed! Hey, Ed!
- Get up! You lost the f eed!

- Hey, Jill. Ow!
- Ooh!

What are you doin' to me?
Look alive!

You guys go ahead.
I'll be back... sometime.

Ed, where you goin'?
Let's get the game goin'!

- No, it's not.
- It's a setup.

I'm gonna ask Cynthia.

Come on! It's such a setup.

- Did you arrange this?
- Whose dog is that?

- Out f or a walk.
- Walkin' your dog?

- That's your dog.
- What's your dog's name?

Um, Ginger.

- Nielsen looks pretty good on TV, huh?
- Yeah.

Hey, man!
Way to go, Ed!

- Picture's worth a thousand bucks.
- Oh, yeah!

Way to... baboom!

Ooh, that's delicious.

Smile, baby!

- Do you think she likes him?
- She doesn't give a crap about him.

You want us to kiss? Ed.

He should be a model or something.

He's gorgeous.

Hey, listen, should we, um...

Ooh.

Oh, geez, it's, uh...

Listen, Jill, it's gettin'
kinda late, you know?

- I mean...
- Is he kidding?

What are you doing tomorrow night?

Mm, tomorrow night.
l, um, I got a...

I got a thing I gotta...
No, that's not tomorrow night.

Well, listen. Why don't you
come around here, and, um...

I can make you dinner, and maybe you
could bring a video, and, um...

Well, you know,
we can make a night of it. Hmm?

Stay behind the barricade, f olks.

Go, go, go
Go, go, go

Stay behind the barricade.

Go, go, go
Go, go, go

- Go, go, go, go, go, go
- Holy shit!

I'm startin' to f eel
a little pressure.

- Think he's gonna do it?
- Hell, yeah.

- The guy hasn't had sex in six weeks.
- What, like we have?

- Here we go. Yeah.
- Smile! Smile!

- Great. Let me try them on.
- Sure, sure, sure.

We'll park your car f or you, Ed.
Save your strength.

Go, go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go,

Get out of the way.
Clear the way.

Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Jill! Jill! Jill!

- Come on in.
- Oh, wow.

- Look at you!
- Oh, thanks.

Those boobs are so f ake.

- She's such a slut.
- Total slut.

Big, big crowd tonight.

I know.
They've been there f or hours.

- Ed? Do you want to come
and have a little nibble?
- Yeah?

Wha...

Oh.

Yeah. Sure.

Hey.

Here, baby.

- Thought you had a dog.
- Huh?

Oh, no, that was a friend's.
I've just got lovely Isabella.

Hey, baby. Yes, good girl.
Down you go.

Good girl.

A deeper shade of red

On your lips

Tryin' to find a way to be loved

Without ever givin' in

- Wow!
- Oh-ho!

- Good?
- Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Careful what you wish f or

It just might come true

Might come true

Uh, Mr. President?

- Isn't this what you always wanted
- I love her!

- Get out of the way!
- I love her! I love her!

Wow!

Hot damn!
We are go f or sex, people.

I love this show, bro.

- Is this okay, Cynthia?
- Don't leave yet.
This is cable. Stay with him.

Cynthia, Cynthia!
Will you get over there!

Oh, my.

Ahh!

Oh! What's he doing?

Ed, you okay?

Ohh, something broke my f all.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Please, let me through.

Is it bad?
Is it bad?

I think she just broke her leg.

- Excuse me.
- My back's a little sore.
I didn't break it.

- I can walk.
- We're just taking you in f or an X ray.

The thing got the highest ratings.
Higher than the Super Bowl.

It's kind of the same thing.
A big buildup, and then one team
just can't perf orm.

All that boy did was hurt
that little girl's pussy.

- Ooh!
- I'm talkin' about her cat.

If Ed had been a stud, if he had
given a terrific perf ormance that night,

the American people
would have loved him, but he f ailed us.

- No, I don't agree.
- He f ailed us as a man.

Look at this.

She did not...
She did not break my heart.

Look, I understand that I'm
f air game, but just tell it like it is.

She was a hot-lookin' chick.
I get that. I knew the score.

"Broke my heart."
No, you know what Jill did?

Jill went out to L.A. and got one of
those scandal agents that handle...

like Joey Buttafuoco,
Kato Kaelin and Gennif er Flowers...

Oh, my God, he wrote a book.

I mean, he never even
read a book, man.

What's your f eeling about the meaning,
if any, of Ed TV?

Well, Harry, l-I f eel that
Ed is the apotheosis...

of a prevailing
American syndrome.

It used to be that people
were f amous f or being special.

Now they're considered special,
uh, merely f or being f amous.

Fame has become a moral good...

in this country:
It's its own virtue.

We thought since we had
Ray Pekurny on the panel today,
we'd talk about his book.

It is called
"My Brother Pissed On Me."

Is that a metaphorical title, or did
your brother actually piss on you?

I put... I put everything in the book.

Everything.
All this is in the book.

I'll be honest, I have not read
the book because it looks stupid.

What?

I'm just saying maybe we
should start thinking about when
we want to take him off the air.

Why? What are you talking
about, take him off the air?
He just got out of the hospital.

He's fine. The cat's fine.

- The ratings are higher than ever.
- Well, you know,

it's like when you're chewing
gum and blowing a bubble.

- Good, a metaphor.
- Right.

And the bubble keeps getting bigger
and bigger and you've got to decide.

When do you suck it in?
Or if you don't, it explodes
and then you've got gum f ace.

Cynthia, I started out
as an associate producer...

on Good Morning Fresno.

And I didn't get from there to here by
worrying about getting gum in my f ace.

All I'm saying is,
I think we've peaked.

And all I'm saying is, you don't know
your ass from a toboggan.

We're gonna stay with
the boy f or another month.

- You know how I know I'm right?
- Mm.

Because I'm driving the big car,
and you're driving the little car.

Look, Ed, you put anybody
on television 16 hours a day,

at some point they're going to wind up
rolling off a table and squashing a cat.

- Oh, man, that's not my point.
- All right, look.

With no privacy, there is no dignity.
Capisce?

Oh, yeah, nice.

- Hello. Hello, Mom?
- Eddie, it's Mom.

Eddie, I'm in the hospital.

Mom, Mom, what happened?

Eddie, he's dead.

He's dead.
He had a heart attack.

Did I tell ya he was gonna die?
Did I say? Huh? Come on.

Excuse me. I'm looking f or my mother.
My name's Ed Pekurny.

- Mr. Pekurny, I'm Dr. Geller.
- Hi.

Your mother's lying down f or a minute.
We gave her something to calm her down.

Thank you.
Can I see her?

Uh, why don't you just give her
a minute? She'll be right out.

Why don't you sit over here
f or a second?

What happened to him?
Did he...

Did he suff er any,
or was it quick?

Yeah, it was very quick.

Between you and me,
it's not a bad way to go.

- How's that?
- Making love to your wif e.

It's very sweet.

- They were making love
when he had a heart attack?
- According to your mother.

Eddie, thank God you're here.

- How's your mother?
- Al!

-What's going on? Thought he was dead.
-How'd you get here?

The neighbors drove me over.
The worst goddamn driver...

What are you doing here?

- Where's Jeanette?
- I thought you said he was dead?

- Who?
- Al!

No, no.
The deceased is Henry Pekurny.

Good twist.

- This is beautiful. I love this!
- What?

Don't you get it? The mother was
shtupping the ex-husband.

You thought it was me?

Yeah, Al.

It was your f ather, Hank.

Your mother went to see him, and he
suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack.

Dr. Geller, Dr. Stack
wants to see you.

Oh, excuse me.

Could I have your autograph?
It's f or my niece.

Al. How did you, uh...

The Burkharts drove me over.

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine, l...

Good. I gotta pee.

Wish me luck.

Hey. Hey, uh... Oh...

Mom.

Geez. What happened, Mom?

Eddie, it was horrible.

- He called me up.
- Who?

Hank. He said he wanted to talk to me.
He wanted to apologize f or everything.

I went over to this horrible place
where he was staying, and l...

I just f elt so sorry f or him.

- So you had sex with him?
- What?

The doctor told me you were
having sex. He told me.

- To you in front of them?
- Yeah, Mom.

He assumed Hank was your husband.
You know, common sense.

- My God! On TV!
- Mom, why? How?

One thing led to another.

- He was my husband once.
- But Al is your husband now.

You think it's been easy
f or me all these years?

Al can't have sex!

Apparently neither can Hank, Mom.

Let's recap this whole thing.
The mother's too good at it, right?

Both brothers stink at it.

The stepf ather can't do it at all. And
the f ather did it, but it killed him.

How the hell did
this f amily reproduce?

How did they even get here?

This is worse than all the daily
tabloid television that exists.

Isn't the appeal of this show now...

that everybody's
got a skeleton in their closet?

But how many skeletons
can one f amily have?

No, I think our country's saying
we've had enough of this.

Let's get back to the way
TV used to be.

We are gathered today...

How ya doin', boy?

- How was the service?
- It was all right.

His parole officer said
some lovely words,

and once again I was reminded
the end is near.

Sorry you couldn't
come in, kiddo,

but f or some reason, the f amily f eels
they're not comin' off so well on TV.

Well... you and Mom are gonna
work things out, aren't ya?

I'm movin' out.

- No, Al. What do you mean,
you're moving out?
- I'm gonna live with my brother.

He's not in such good shape as me,
but I'm looking f orward
to the pillow fights.

Hank.

Hank was always good
with the ladies.

Always good-lookin'.

Hell, he's been dead f or two days,
he still looks better than me.

I wanna tell you something, Al.

You know, Hank, he...

You're my f ather, Al.

Take care of yourself, huh?